HELP ON SIDESCROLLER ACTIONSHCRIPT IN FLASH PLZ

Any and all help would be greatly appreciated.

Hell, if you help me flash hows I wants to flash, I'll let everybody know! :D

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350 000 dollar ransom for a DOG. How ridiculous is that?

On a completely unrelated note, the voiceover dude sounds like a pansy.

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I just took a big bite out of a pie.

Turns out it was my mother's.

And it was baked at a bazillion degrees, so my tongue raped me.

And that's why I was late to work.

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You know that right vs. left brain test that EVERYBODY is talking about? Well I see it Clockwise, and I drew clothes to prove it.

And it doesn't reverse you idiots.